Turn your head and cough

So, okay I will start this off. Make sure to sit back, relax, and enjoy my humiliation. I recently had a surgery that supports my bladder. Yes..that thing that makes you go...well.....GO. The surgery was a success, YEA! so I'll start for the day I got released. I end up going to a relatives house to settle my stomach before driving myself back to the city I live in, (about 45 minutes away but eternity when nauseated). Having been told I had to leave the catheter in until the following day was NOT so fun, but I figured I'd try to follow directions.

Not having any urge to go was kinda nice. It wasn't until I realized that the bag they had strapped my leg was cutting off the circulation to my toes that I figured I needed to go relieve myself...er...the bag. So fumbling in trying to figure out, "do I sit down and try to take the bag off" I jump back up off the toilet. -WHY?- because the nice little tube started pulling OUT! Again the image of a watermelon through a straw comes into mind (anyone who's had a catheter will know about the balloon they fill to keep it in there and ..well OW!)
Okay...so no sitting. Finally getting frustrated enough I step my leg up onto the toilet seat, pull up my pant leg and release the valve into the toilet. Oh My GOD! No wonder men are so happy to pee standing up! I thought, "Hey look I can pee standing up too!" I really felt the urge to see if I could write my name as well, but refrained because I was NOT in any shape to want to clean it up, let alone get ridiculed by the relatives I was at. So I left it at that.

Time passed and it was time for me to head back to the doctor for a check up of my stitches in my ... well...where he HAD to put them. We'll call it my HooHoo. Now, remind you this is a urologist, he sticks his fingers in the most holy of holy places on men and women...so in reality, he doesn't give a shit. :) JK
So in checking my stitches, he was feeling where my bladder was too. He was checking to see if the mesh 'installation' was holding correctly and I was functioning as I should. While lying on my back, spread eagle and looking at the poster of how the doctor checks a mans prostate, I hear the doctor ask me, "Would you cough for me a few times please." Okay...awkward...instead of coughing I start giggling and I hear "okay that works too" Here I am looking at a diagram of a doctors finger up a mans butt checking his prostate and I'm a woman with a mans finger in my hoohoo asking me to cough.......WAY too funny!!
So with that he says "things are looking like they're healing fine, go ahead and get your clothes back on and I'll be back in a few minutes."

So only slightly embarrassed for my outburst I sit up and wait for him to shut the door before I slide off and get my pants back on. I turn and look at the table that I was just on and I am instantly mortified! I LEFT A SKID MARK!!!! HOW IN THE HELL DID I LEAVE A SKID MARK?! okay screw that thought for a minute...he's coming back any second, I still don't have my pants on and I'm staring at the paper. I dart over, rip off a sheet, pull it down to look like it had when I FIRST sat on it and crumpled up the 'slightly soiled' exam paper, opened the trash can and buried it under the assorted paper towel excrement's in there. I dart back to throw my underwear and pants back on and was in process of getting my socks and shoes on when he came back in to talk a bit more.

"Take you're time, don't look at him, keep tying your shoes, maybe he didn't notice, how did it happen? Oh it doesn't matter he knows he knows I shit on his table, I can never come back into see him again, well what if he doesn't know? How could he not know he was right there and it probably happened when you laughed instead of coughed."

All these thoughts running through my mind while he's telling me what to expect. Well I didn't hear what to expect, hell I wasn't expecting THAT! So thus there is a story out of my plethora of "T.M.I" stories. :) Hope you had a good laugh and I'll keep 'em commin'!

Tew