No More On Sale Jerky!

So, okay here's another one for you all. It happened rather recently.

The day started out okay. Nothing too significant happened, until my husband and myself had to make a trip to another city. The kids were in school, we had time to ourselves, and instead of staying home and "spending quality time" I decided to go with him. *sigh* (Mistake #1)

So we take my car because he wants me to drive while he figures out his new toy, and since I can't read in the car, that was his way of reading the manual while I drove and to get outta driving. Its okay! No problem. I stop at the local gas station and fill up. I go inside to pay and feel the rumble of my empty tummy. Crap, I forgot to eat before we left. Okay fine...beef jerky sounds good. I scan the various brands and sizes. Oh look! 2 for 7 bucks! Sweet! (random brand, mistake # 2) So a water, 2 packs of gum, my jerky and nachos for him we're on our way.

I get on the freeway and open the bag of jerky, I'm so excited to eat, and bite into it. I had to look down at the package to make sure i wasn't chewing the gum. Chewy jerky?!?!?! Excuse me...but I like my jerky tough and hard...kinda like a dogs raw hide bone! Not this wet, sloppy, floppy piece of so called meat! *growl* I look at my husband and he kinda shrugs and says "it was on sale for a reason, they couldn't get rid of it." He smiles with nacho cheese running down his chin. Out of the kindness of his heart, he hands me a chip with just nacho cheese. He would have offered me more, however, he knew that the plethora of jalapenos, hot sauce, yellow peppers and whatever other spices he could find back there made me burp and fart fire. I was content with my lone chip n cheese.

So we get to where we were heading about 45 minutes later. Of course, what we need is in the very back of the store. Its okay, i need the exercise. (mistake #3) The walking around moved the few pieces of rubber jerky I choked down and mixed it with the water I drank, and my lone nacho. Thirty minutes later we're back in the car, on the road and in traffic. The previous store didn't have the battery we were looking for so we got sent to another store. Rush hour starting, luckily it wasn't too bad, but the stop and go traffic was making my head hurt. Its okay, we're almost done, just two more stops then we can head home. We stopped at the battery store, then at the grocery store....their meat up there was cheaper and better than back in our city. I'm standing in the checkout line and my head pounding, my stomach churning, my husband gets me a sandwich and offers to drive home. Evidently I LOOKED as bad as I felt. The raw meat in front of me didn't help either.

We get back to town, pick up the kids from school, and pull up into the drive way. I don't even get a word out before I run into the house and pay homage to our porcelain god. Mostly just the sandwich and dry heaving went on.....the first trip. I come out of the bathroom looking like I just got off that toy in the park. You know, the one that you sit on and have three of your friends push you around and around until you get sick and puke. My head is pounding, I can't see straight, so brilliantly I take out my contacts. I take a headache pill and lie down with an icepack on the back of my neck, and a wet rag on my forehead. The kids and their dad are off in their own world, leaving mom alone for the most part. I can hear homework being done and dinner being warmed up. They're okay.

Back to my misery, I decide to submerge my head in the tub. So I fill the tub as high as possible, stick my feet up on the wall so I can put my head, except my nose, underwater. AHHHHHHHH oh the relieve of pressure of the pain in my head. Even some of my nausea eased a bit. Then...10 minutes later...after my youngest decided I needed company and threw her rubber duckies in with me did I realize that the water also relaxed the rest of my body and I needed to poop. But silly me...I think, "I can't sit on the toilet after being in water, I need to be dry so I don't slip around and so I can spread my cheeks apart." Now don't look at me that way!! Any of you women reading this have done it at least once....you have to take a power poop and to help create the path with the least resistance you lean to one side, pull that cheek out and then lean to the other side and lift that cheek out so you're ...well.....good to go!

Anyway! So I get outta the tub, throw a towel on my head to wrap my wet hair in, throw my robe on and go lie down to air dry somewhat. The kids are watching a movie, my husband is cleaning the kitchen and singing and dancing in there to the radio. He comes in to tell me sorry for having the radio too loud, but the Beatles were on...and I jump up and run back to the bathroom. Its a good thing the radio was loud. After throwing off my robe and getting on all fours I finally projectile puke into the toilet bowl. Now remember, I was so smart in taking out my contact lenses, that I couldn't quite SEE where the bowl was unless I was touching it with my nose. In doing that the smell was horrible it made me puke even more. Remember though, on all fours that the force of my vomiting pushes down on my lower abdomen as well. So here I am, naked, wet hair tumbling around, nose to the bowl and now clenching my butt so I don't shoot out a freaking turtle head out the other end. I was thinking to myself, mid puke, "I'll have to put my contacts back in if I accidentally crap so I can clean up the bathroom. I don't need my husband or kids to see that."

I ended up being able to get myself back up onto the toilet to relieve myself. I had to shower again after all of that.....but I am proud to say I didn't get anything on the floor!! It could have been worse....I could have ended up with Hershey squirts during that process.
The next morning I felt fine....well better....not quite up to par....and instead of heading off to work and giving me my usual kiss...he aimed for my forehead. I don't blame him. I blame that damn jerky!!!!!!!!!!!

Turn your head and cough

So, okay I will start this off. Make sure to sit back, relax, and enjoy my humiliation. I recently had a surgery that supports my bladder. Yes..that thing that makes you go...well.....GO. The surgery was a success, YEA! so I'll start for the day I got released. I end up going to a relatives house to settle my stomach before driving myself back to the city I live in, (about 45 minutes away but eternity when nauseated). Having been told I had to leave the catheter in until the following day was NOT so fun, but I figured I'd try to follow directions.

Not having any urge to go was kinda nice. It wasn't until I realized that the bag they had strapped my leg was cutting off the circulation to my toes that I figured I needed to go relieve myself...er...the bag. So fumbling in trying to figure out, "do I sit down and try to take the bag off" I jump back up off the toilet. -WHY?- because the nice little tube started pulling OUT! Again the image of a watermelon through a straw comes into mind (anyone who's had a catheter will know about the balloon they fill to keep it in there and ..well OW!)
Okay...so no sitting. Finally getting frustrated enough I step my leg up onto the toilet seat, pull up my pant leg and release the valve into the toilet. Oh My GOD! No wonder men are so happy to pee standing up! I thought, "Hey look I can pee standing up too!" I really felt the urge to see if I could write my name as well, but refrained because I was NOT in any shape to want to clean it up, let alone get ridiculed by the relatives I was at. So I left it at that.

Time passed and it was time for me to head back to the doctor for a check up of my stitches in my ... well...where he HAD to put them. We'll call it my HooHoo. Now, remind you this is a urologist, he sticks his fingers in the most holy of holy places on men and women...so in reality, he doesn't give a shit. :) JK
So in checking my stitches, he was feeling where my bladder was too. He was checking to see if the mesh 'installation' was holding correctly and I was functioning as I should. While lying on my back, spread eagle and looking at the poster of how the doctor checks a mans prostate, I hear the doctor ask me, "Would you cough for me a few times please." Okay...awkward...instead of coughing I start giggling and I hear "okay that works too" Here I am looking at a diagram of a doctors finger up a mans butt checking his prostate and I'm a woman with a mans finger in my hoohoo asking me to cough.......WAY too funny!!
So with that he says "things are looking like they're healing fine, go ahead and get your clothes back on and I'll be back in a few minutes."

So only slightly embarrassed for my outburst I sit up and wait for him to shut the door before I slide off and get my pants back on. I turn and look at the table that I was just on and I am instantly mortified! I LEFT A SKID MARK!!!! HOW IN THE HELL DID I LEAVE A SKID MARK?! okay screw that thought for a minute...he's coming back any second, I still don't have my pants on and I'm staring at the paper. I dart over, rip off a sheet, pull it down to look like it had when I FIRST sat on it and crumpled up the 'slightly soiled' exam paper, opened the trash can and buried it under the assorted paper towel excrement's in there. I dart back to throw my underwear and pants back on and was in process of getting my socks and shoes on when he came back in to talk a bit more.

"Take you're time, don't look at him, keep tying your shoes, maybe he didn't notice, how did it happen? Oh it doesn't matter he knows he knows I shit on his table, I can never come back into see him again, well what if he doesn't know? How could he not know he was right there and it probably happened when you laughed instead of coughed."

All these thoughts running through my mind while he's telling me what to expect. Well I didn't hear what to expect, hell I wasn't expecting THAT! So thus there is a story out of my plethora of "T.M.I" stories. :) Hope you had a good laugh and I'll keep 'em commin'!

Tew

Beginning of Too Much Information

Congratulations! You've found a place that you can share those 'not so kosher' stories that you've wanted or NEEDED to tell someone, but even your closest relative or best friend wouldn't want to hear directly from your lips. This is the place that you can share your stories,(so long as there is nothing illegal in its contents) I...as well as anyone else who has joined this blog WANTS to hear them, feel your pain...so to speak....and give you that outlet you've needed! So saddle up, stiffen that upper lip, grab the bull by the horns, put your shoulder to the grind stone, suck in, breathe deep and LET IT GO!

Sincerely,
T.M.I
TewMuchInfo