So, okay here's another one for you all. It happened rather recently.
The day started out okay. Nothing too significant happened, until my husband and myself had to make a trip to another city. The kids were in school, we had time to ourselves, and instead of staying home and "spending quality time" I decided to go with him. *sigh* (Mistake #1)
So we take my car because he wants me to drive while he figures out his new toy, and since I can't read in the car, that was his way of reading the manual while I drove and to get outta driving. Its okay! No problem. I stop at the local gas station and fill up. I go inside to pay and feel the rumble of my empty tummy. Crap, I forgot to eat before we left. Okay fine...beef jerky sounds good. I scan the various brands and sizes. Oh look! 2 for 7 bucks! Sweet! (random brand, mistake # 2) So a water, 2 packs of gum, my jerky and nachos for him we're on our way.
I get on the freeway and open the bag of jerky, I'm so excited to eat, and bite into it. I had to look down at the package to make sure i wasn't chewing the gum. Chewy jerky?!?!?! Excuse me...but I like my jerky tough and hard...kinda like a dogs raw hide bone! Not this wet, sloppy, floppy piece of so called meat! *growl* I look at my husband and he kinda shrugs and says "it was on sale for a reason, they couldn't get rid of it." He smiles with nacho cheese running down his chin. Out of the kindness of his heart, he hands me a chip with just nacho cheese. He would have offered me more, however, he knew that the plethora of jalapenos, hot sauce, yellow peppers and whatever other spices he could find back there made me burp and fart fire. I was content with my lone chip n cheese.
So we get to where we were heading about 45 minutes later. Of course, what we need is in the very back of the store. Its okay, i need the exercise. (mistake #3) The walking around moved the few pieces of rubber jerky I choked down and mixed it with the water I drank, and my lone nacho. Thirty minutes later we're back in the car, on the road and in traffic. The previous store didn't have the battery we were looking for so we got sent to another store. Rush hour starting, luckily it wasn't too bad, but the stop and go traffic was making my head hurt. Its okay, we're almost done, just two more stops then we can head home. We stopped at the battery store, then at the grocery store....their meat up there was cheaper and better than back in our city. I'm standing in the checkout line and my head pounding, my stomach churning, my husband gets me a sandwich and offers to drive home. Evidently I LOOKED as bad as I felt. The raw meat in front of me didn't help either.
We get back to town, pick up the kids from school, and pull up into the drive way. I don't even get a word out before I run into the house and pay homage to our porcelain god. Mostly just the sandwich and dry heaving went on.....the first trip. I come out of the bathroom looking like I just got off that toy in the park. You know, the one that you sit on and have three of your friends push you around and around until you get sick and puke. My head is pounding, I can't see straight, so brilliantly I take out my contacts. I take a headache pill and lie down with an icepack on the back of my neck, and a wet rag on my forehead. The kids and their dad are off in their own world, leaving mom alone for the most part. I can hear homework being done and dinner being warmed up. They're okay.
Back to my misery, I decide to submerge my head in the tub. So I fill the tub as high as possible, stick my feet up on the wall so I can put my head, except my nose, underwater. AHHHHHHHH oh the relieve of pressure of the pain in my head. Even some of my nausea eased a bit. Then...10 minutes later...after my youngest decided I needed company and threw her rubber duckies in with me did I realize that the water also relaxed the rest of my body and I needed to poop. But silly me...I think, "I can't sit on the toilet after being in water, I need to be dry so I don't slip around and so I can spread my cheeks apart." Now don't look at me that way!! Any of you women reading this have done it at least once....you have to take a power poop and to help create the path with the least resistance you lean to one side, pull that cheek out and then lean to the other side and lift that cheek out so you're ...well.....good to go!
Anyway! So I get outta the tub, throw a towel on my head to wrap my wet hair in, throw my robe on and go lie down to air dry somewhat. The kids are watching a movie, my husband is cleaning the kitchen and singing and dancing in there to the radio. He comes in to tell me sorry for having the radio too loud, but the Beatles were on...and I jump up and run back to the bathroom. Its a good thing the radio was loud. After throwing off my robe and getting on all fours I finally projectile puke into the toilet bowl. Now remember, I was so smart in taking out my contact lenses, that I couldn't quite SEE where the bowl was unless I was touching it with my nose. In doing that the smell was horrible it made me puke even more. Remember though, on all fours that the force of my vomiting pushes down on my lower abdomen as well. So here I am, naked, wet hair tumbling around, nose to the bowl and now clenching my butt so I don't shoot out a freaking turtle head out the other end. I was thinking to myself, mid puke, "I'll have to put my contacts back in if I accidentally crap so I can clean up the bathroom. I don't need my husband or kids to see that."
I ended up being able to get myself back up onto the toilet to relieve myself. I had to shower again after all of that.....but I am proud to say I didn't get anything on the floor!! It could have been worse....I could have ended up with Hershey squirts during that process.
The next morning I felt fine....well better....not quite up to par....and instead of heading off to work and giving me my usual kiss...he aimed for my forehead. I don't blame him. I blame that damn jerky!!!!!!!!!!!
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